So, this current assignment is more of a 'job' than a final destination. I get it, and I hope that those who are reading this, as well as those are being ministered to through my efforts at this stage, understand that this lack of fulfillment is not a suggestion of meaninglessness, indifference, or apathy. I truly enjoy the ministry I am engaged in and I am seeing 'fruit' in my efforts.
As I stated before, I think that part of the reason why I am serving where I am now, is because both I and the mission field are not let ready for harvest. I spoke at length about the current conditions of the fields and contemporary church, and now I would like to share my observations about God's timing in my life.
Timing is everything. We see this over and over again in Scripture. God states His desire and plan, and then says, "Net yet." From Abraham's gifting of the Promised Land to the Eschaton: God's timing is always perfect and almost always a step ahead from where we currently find ourselves. My life and calling is no different.
God told me I was going to be a 'missionary' at the age of 7, and again, at 17. However, He first required me to go to college, then come home for almost 3 years and work absent from vocational ministry before I would become a full-time 'missionary assistant.' And even then, I wasn't fully living out the calling God gave me at the beginning. I felt called to overseas missions and there I was working in the US and operating on college campuses in parachurch evangelism. Not bad, but not the destination that I first received.
Two years later, and now almost 10 years from my teenage revelation, I finally became a full fledged missionary, but still, it was to those living within the US and not overseas. But, I was independent and planting in the confines of the most international city within the United States, and one of only 4 Alpha cities globally. Was this now God's full plan revealed? Nope. I thought so for a while, but then He called out once again and said, "Not yet."
Here I am in my current vocation, serving full-time in ministry, in a non-orthodox, internally-based, mission environment. I have privilege and access of a unique and dynamic capacity, and am pulling on every experience and learning that I have received to this point in my life...and I am excelling in it. I am not perfect or setting records, but there is certainly the acknowledgment of others that my ministry is meaningful, needed and exceptional. Cool; but, in light of my journey so far, I know enough to know that this is but another step in reaching the revelation of that first calling.
Each previous experience was just that, a 'step.' It wasn't wrong, wasted, or mis-informed; it was perfect and necessary. I needed to learn to trust God incrementally in the unique and challenging scenarios that each moment provided. I've grown in doubt, hurt, and confusion, but more importantly, in trust, confidence, and security. I don't fear God failing to provide. I no longer live so desperately for the approval of man or his understanding of 'success.' (Yes, I still struggle with this, but not in the same way or to the same degree.) I know what it means to be a Christian, and it's something that books and churches can't teach (not trying to be mystic or sacrilegious). I know with greater clarity who I am and how I am, and nothing good will come from anyone until this truth is realized. Above all, I know that there is much to learn in this moment and place of ministry, and much to do before going forward to the next place, whenever that is.
I know that this period will require me to learn what it means to be a husband, father, and spiritual leader. I also know that this period will give me opportunity to grow in my understanding of worship, evangelism, and 'church.' Again, I don't know that the 'next step' is, but I know that it will depend on me learning these things now. It's not easy, and quite frankly, it sucks, because the 'classroom' here is vague, the experiments extreme, and the classmates are few and far between. But, so were the learning environments of most of God's people. Jacob lived with crooked Laban. The Israelites wandered in the desert. David was hunted like a dog. Babylon, anyone? Jesus was entertained by the devil for 40 days without food, and Paul lived in Arabia for several year and was never fully-accepted by his peers during his life (...and he may have never made it to Spain, after all).
Following God's call is a journey, and it is full of season, steps, and moments of fulfillment before being fully realized. It is so important to remember this and accept it; both for those starting out in ministry, and also for those who are decades into it. I know far too many who are trying to force God's calling into immediate fulfillment without any opportunity for God to lead or supply in means beyond their own understanding. Sadly, I know just as many who are well into their vocational callings, but have simply relieved themselves to accept that where they are, is where they are meant to be...forever. They are still occupying positions that they were called to years ago, but not where they are called to be today or tomorrow. I won't speculate as to 'why' in either case, but it is tragic for both them and those they serve.
I'm an American. I like everything 'hot' and 'now.' I don't a journey, I want a destination. But, God is dynamic and He cares as much about His minister as those who he ministers to. This necessitates a 'journey' approach: a process of revelation and transformation for all those who are called. I can't afford to skip it or blow it, and I can't afford to simply quit because its exhausting.
Three years into this current gig, and still three more to go. Three more years to learn, prepare, and intercede for what's next. But, just as importantly, three more years to minister, accomplish and care for the unique people who will only be in my life for a moment over these next three years. Nothing is ever wasted with God.
So, if you could be happier doing something else...then do it; but, do it with the knowledge gleaned from today and with a sense of God's timing guiding all things.
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