The past two weeks have been incredible. They been filled with great moments of encouragement and equal parts disappointment. Just before leaving for a 10-day work/play-cation in FL, I received news that a coworker and close friend was undergoing a horrific drawn-out tragedy. Despite being mentally 'checked out' and eager to do nothing more than get out of San Diego and play with my family, I found myself compelled to spend every possible moment before boarding the plane with my friend in the hospital room. I didn't have words, healing or expectations of my presence being "what was needed" to change this person's life or situation, I just knew that I had to be there for my friend.
When it came time to arrive in FL for the work portion of my trip, I thought I knew what I was going to expect, experience, and feel in regards to people, subjects and events that often accompany 'church meetings.' There would be the hyper-zealots, the 'too cools,' the 'old guard,' and the vast array of ministers trying so hard to communicate their worth through their performance and results. This is always the case, and I've been a part of each group at one point in my ministry career. This time, however, was going to be different. I told myself that I had matured, that I was more confident and secure than before, and that having already experienced these types of events that I would be prepared to see past the silliness and just have a good time. Well, that kinda happened...
For the first couple of days, everything was great. All the stereotypes and gimmicks were on display, I was able to connect with some great friends, and I was even finding myself thinking and preparing for new and future ministry endeavors, both in San Diego and beyond. But, then that 'moment' happened when all my triggers were tripped at the same time.
It happened in a way that I wasn't expecting, even though I was fully prepared for the vehicle by which the moment came forth. Without revealing the details, it is necessary to disclose that the events that led to my 'meltdown' took place in rapid succession during a moment that could describe most Sunday morning church services. Everyone gathers, gets caught up in emotion rather than substance, affirms self or others at the expense of the One, and then walks away with an elevated opinion or quite arrogance that what they have just experienced or affirmed is the best and truest truth. It's crazy and it's the sole result of the human ego...not simply American spirituality. I see the same thing at political rallies, business meetings and even within our military institutions (all places which you would hope 'self' would never be a factor).
I snapped. I threw my hands in the air and walked out of the convention center, not only not caring if people saw me, but, to some degree, hoping that they would see me! It was a bit of a tantrum, but why? Why was something that I knew and expected would happen, planned on responding to, now causing me to go into a mini-tailspin? I had a couple of service answers in my head: because I'm right, they are wrong; they are doing it all wrong; this is what is wrong with the world, etc. But, these knee-jerk and surface-level explanations were not the true cause. Something else was going on inside of me. Something was being provoked that caused me to respond deeply and passionately, and at my own expense.
I survived the event and went on to have a great convention with the church. I moved past the moment described above and put all my attention to the remaining days away. Now, with the church business portion completed, I could have uninterrupted fun with my family at our favorite vacation spot! Our bodies were adjusted to the weather and time zone, the trip was all-inclusive, so there was literally no real reason for anything to spoil our final days together. But, then that moment came...
After a great day of playing and eating our body weight in food, I woke up from a dead sleep with this unprovoked question piercing my consciousness: Why are you doing this [ministry]? It's not at all what you expected and it is more often than not at complete odds with what you want. Why are you doing this? I didn't have an answer at the time. I tried reminding myself that it was because I felt a certain way at a certain time; heard/felt God's calling at one point; or, because somebody needed to do it. All good answers, but they didn't satisfy the question. So, then I tried this response: Because I screwed up and called myself into ministry because of a response to some other event or belief in my life. That, too, proved insufficient and unsatisfying. At this point, I did what any wise soul would do, I went back to bed, ignored the question and events of the week, and had a great vacation.
Sure enough, however, the next day back at work, it all came together. In a simple discussion with my colleagues, the motives and desires of our lives were revealed and discussed openly. Each one talked about his/her passions, plans and experiences, and in doing so, revealed a lot about their deep-seated motives and reasons for who they are and what they do (even if not consciously aware of such). I found myself almost completely at odds with what my peers were saying. It wasn't that their reasons or values were wrong or lesser than my own, they just simply were not my reasons and values. No big deal, expect that in some instances the reasons they described I did once consider my own! This apparent and unexpected change caught me off guard and really put a kink in my day. I was frustrated, irritated, bored and anxious. I was all the things I had experienced previously at the church convention and the middle-of-the-night crisis at one time. Unable to run out, quit the job, or take a nap, I buried my frustration and went back to work visiting hospital staff and patients.
As I got ready to make my first rounds, I received several notes from our receptionist. In addition to my normal rounds and patients, their were people requesting my ministry and service. A nice compliment, but one that would make my work day longer and certainly more complicated. Surprisingly, I didn't mind. Then, when I entered my first ward, a sailor was standing in the hallway waiting for me. "Sir, I need to schedule a time to speak with you," she said. "Get in line, Sister," I thought in my head, but what I actually said was, "OK, great. What would be a good time for you? Actually, are you free now?" We talked for over an hour and witnessed God's healing and presence in a very unique and unexpected way!
With my day and schedule now completely messed up, I just kept on hitting my rounds. And, sure enough, it was one crisis and miracle after another! What should have been an easy and short day, turned into one of constant interruption and personal frustration, except for the fact that at the end of the day I felt completely FULFILLED.
I don't know exactly why I respond the way I do the things of life. One minute I think I'm driven by a particular passion, and then in an instant I discover that it's either not true or certainly not the sole contributor. I didn't know why it came so easy for me to disrupt my life and schedule and go beyond what was expected of me to be with my friend in the hospital. Sure, it was 'compassion,' but what drove the 'compassion' component at that moment? Why did I go bananas when everything that I had already known was going to happen, happened in a crazy church convention? Sure, I was frustrated (and largely disgusted), but so what? People do dumb things for the wrong reasons all the time. It doesn't have to affect me. Why did I wake up with such a nagging and seemingly unanswerable question for no apparent reason? Because I was subconsciously still dealing with it? Sure; but why?
Here it is, folks. As far as I can tell...at this point..my life is simply not my own. I am fully aware of what I want, need, expect and believe, but it is not the ultimate driving force in my daily life. I do perform a lot of actions and make a lot of decisions on what I want or what I think is best, but I would be completely wrong to think that I, alone, am in the driver's seat. As I look back over the events of these past two weeks, I see the presence, voice, and action of the Spirit influencing my life. He is the one driving my life, leading me into these situations, and causing me to fulfill the occupational and existential qualities of my existence. I know this may seem like a trite or "Sunday School" answer, but I can't think of one more true. I simply cannot contribute the trajectory of my life to my own desires or passions, nor can I take any credit for its relative success in drawing me or others to God. IT's ALL Him, and it is why that at the end of the day, I am only fulfilled when He has shown up and displayed His qualities and values!
So, where do I go from here? How should I respond to such a conclusion? No clue, other than I plan to simply continue to get out of the way (decrease) so that He can increase. I have no problem simply being 'along for the ride,' IF He is the one leading.
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